Elf Magic

Our "Elf on the Shelf" pops up in a new place every morning. Today, he was in the center of the Christmas tree. His mission is to observe and report, providing Santa with daily insider information about the kids' behavior. I wish I could have Luke wear Buddy around his neck tomorrow. To say that today was a very trying day with my middle child would be a serious understatement. We did not finish his last lesson of the day until 7:30 in the evening, and it's not like he had piles of work to complete. Granted, we didn't start until noon today, but we could have been done by mid-afternoon. Luke simply chose to be difficult. When he would actually sit down, he would chatter and ask totally unrelated questions. This sweet little boy who told me last night that he loves it when I lie in his bed and cuddle with him, made me want to scream and bash my head against a wall. I am worried about tomorrow; my sanity is at stake!

Frustration

So, Luke and Keira were subjected to yet another eye exam. This time we were back at the original office to see an opthomologist. This was the office that prescribed glasses for Luke that he did not need, in addition to "patching". Because of the situation, the exams were free. The opthomologist's diagnoses matched those of our second opinion optometrist; no glasses for Luke and his left eye the stronger eye, and Keira does display an intermittent eye turn. Still, the opthomologist would not admit that anything was done incorrectly. She tried to tell me that a child's vision can fluctuate from day to day, and the doctors have to make judgement calls. What it sounded like to me was that it's all a crap-shoot; maybe you get the right diagnosis and maybe you don't. She tried to tell me that Luke wearing the patch and the glasses would not have hurt his eyes. Well, o-o-o-k-a-y-y-y, but what about the fact that every time my baby did what he was supposed to, his vision was impaired. Not to mention the stress it put on him. And, what if I hadn't felt the need to get a second opinion for Keira? Luke would still be trying to wear those stupid glasses. Finally, there is the money that we spent on the glasses. The decision was that there was nothing they could do since we didn't buy the glasses from their over-priced dispensary. I know now that this decision had been made before we even came in. This didn't surprise me, and it was not the main reason for returning.

What's the lesson here? Doctors are not infallible. Trust your instincts, especially when it comes to your kids. Insist on your kids seeing an eye doctor who specializes in treating children. And NEVER go to a California Eye Specialist office!

Venting!

I'm letting you know up front that this entry is solely for the purpose of venting; read it at your own risk!

We had fun at a beach bonfire last night. The kids had an amazing time. By the time we left they were really worn out, and all fell asleep in the car. However, none of them slept in this morning, and all are pretty disagreeable. Keira bit Luke's face (luckily, not too badly). The screaming started five minutes into our day. Where was my husband in all this? He was getting ready for work, but he did hear everything that was going on.

So, why do I need to vent? Because, on his way out the door, my husband had the NERVE to tell me he wanted me to do a chore for him, with all of the kids in tow, despite the day I was already having. And, on top of that, he had the GALL to be upset with me, when I told him I could not do it. I won't go into the details of the task he wanted me to complete, but it should be pointed out that we had already discussed who's responsibility it would be to complete it (his), if it needed to be done. I'm feeling very unappreciated by "The Husband Who Never Goes Anywhere Except the Park and His Parents' With All Three Kids." He has never even been shopping with all three, which is what I am contemplating the need to accomplish today.

Now, here I sit, with three cranky kids, looking at the HUGE pile of laundry on my service porch floor. That pile does not include the sandy bed sheets from the kids' beds. What sits at the bottom of that pile? Oh, that would be the wad of MUDDY clothes and towels that my husband left there for me after the mud run he participated in yesterday. Yes, he lovingly deposited the pile on the floor, near the washing machine. Would he lift a finger to wash those himself? Never. And, today after work, he will leave his uniform somewhere in our room, expecting me to have it cleaned for him by Wednesday, when he goes back to work again. Hmmm...the muddy clothes will get done because I cannot stand to have those nasty things lying around. But the uniform? We'll see...

Plunging In

So, the decision has been made. The (brand new) textbooks are here. My new Pottery Barn bookshelf is set up and ready for school materials. As soon as our corner desk is delivered, we will set up the computer from CAVA (California Virtual Academies), so that the boys can use it for school. The boys' courses and lesson plans are now accessible online. We are meeting other home school families and building a support network.

I am so excited to begin this chapter in our lives. Yes, I will miss the mothers, fathers, and grandparents that I used to chat with at the elementary school. Yes, I will miss the great teachers that Ryan had, as well as a few of the dedicated staff members I got to know there. But, more than anything, I am excited and I am confident; confident that we are making the right choice for us and that we will be successful.

Losing Sleep

I have been losing sleep for the past week, because, even though I'm tired when I go to bed, my mind cannot shut down. During the past school year, I had pondered whether or not I should home school Ryan and Luke, who are going into second grade and kindergarten respectively. My main reasons centered around the district's budget cuts and changes at our local school. While not completely happy with some of the changes, I had my main concerns assuaged, and decided that the boys would attend public school in the fall. For the past couple of weeks, that decision has been nagging at me, and something has been causing me to reevaluate this choice.

I have no doubt that I want to home school my kids. I am organized and I have teaching experience; I don't doubt that I can do it successfully. However, there are circumstances preventing me from making the leap. The main one is that my husband is not "on board" with it. When I try to discuss it with him, he acts like he's listening, but it feels like he is not. He believes that I will have a hard time because I will not get a break. Well, hello, the purpose of public education is not to give parents a break! Besides, while I admit they do get on my last nerve sometimes, I actually like having my kids around. Keira will not be in school for two years, and the boys will have slightly different schedules, so it's not that simple anyway.

Ryan is a foot-dragger in the morning. Getting out of the house bright and early is just not his thing. I've had two years of struggling with him in the mornings, and it's not been fun. He's only just turning seven, and he thinks the school day is too long. He has resisted homework since he started getting it in kindergarten. How many times have I heard, "I already know this. I just did it at school. Why do I have to do it again?" Ryan is so bright, especially in math, and could probably progress much more quickly at home than in the classroom. With his personality, I think he would thrive on a routine in which he could have some input. He would also do better with a slightly later start to the day and being able to work at his own pace, rather than that of a class of 22.

Luke is part of my uncertainty. He has seen Ryan go to school for two years. Now, it is his turn, and I don't know if taking that away will upset him. He seems a little excited about going, but he has no idea what a five hour day at school will be like, since he has not gone to preschool or day care.

For the past two years, I have been an active volunteer at the school, helping out at least once a week in the classroom. I enjoy this, and have been available to the teachers to take some work home as well. Having two kids enrolled will make this more challenging. There are so few parents who are willing and/or available to help the teachers, and, I'm sure, some who don't even consider the need for it. I was the only room parent in Ryan's first grade class. (One first grade class out of the three didn't even have a room parent.) As much as I want to be involved, I get frustrated with the failure of other parents to help. I feel like I have to contribute in order to make things better at the school for my own kids; if I don't nobody else will, yet everyone benefits. If I am going to put this much time and effort into my kids' education, then, heck, I might as well home school, and give all I've got to them! After all, I don't want to burn out this early on.

I have done enough research to know that there are a lot of home school resources available. I don't worry that my kids will not socialize; there are a lot of home school groups with regularly scheduled activities. They will still take karate, and maybe start some art classes. They will still have friends to get together with. Outdoor activity is easy; we all love to run around outside.

A major appeal of home schooling is the freedom and flexibility when it comes to scheduling. We can make up our own "field trips" and take time off if we need to, without feeling guilty.

My wonderful sister-in-law, Erin, has been supportive of me. (She, too, intends to home school when her son is older.) My mom, also a former teacher, is hesitant to be supportive; I think she worries about my stress levels. But, I honestly feel that I would have just as much stress getting the boys to school, dealing with homework, fitting in other activities, and being active in each of their classrooms.

Oh, what to do?

#1

My husband took the boys to Lake Arrowhead for two nights, and I have enjoyed Keira's company, as well as the relative quiet. But, I have missed the boys, and I am looking forward to seeing them tomorrow. Now, I have to admit that I have a small worry nagging at the back of my brain: that Ryan and Luke will have had so much fun with Daddy that I will be replaced as Number One in the Parenting Top Two.

OK, so maybe that is entirely selfish, but I can't help it. I have stayed at home and raised my kids since Ryan was born almost seven years ago. I am the one who got up at night with them when they were babies. When they are sad, hurt, afraid, or sick, it is me they turn to first for comfort. I relish that fact. Ryan, as the oldest, needs me less than he used to, which is a little hard to accept. Luke is still my little cuddle-bug, who will crawl up on my lap "just because". (In fact, talking to him on the phone tonight, I could hear that he misses me.) Keira always wants Mommy, and hates to share me with the boys, so I think I'm safe as her #1 for quite some time yet.

I truly am glad the boys are having fun, and that Don is doing a good job with them. I do have to add, however, that he has NEVER had all three kids by himself for more than 5 or 6 hours, and even then, he usually called in the reinforcements (a.k.a. his parents). I won't even go into the flip side of that; the fact that I don't get "me time" for longer than that, and those occassions are few and far between. I would be digressing, and I will save that topic for another day.

For now, I guess, I'll just wear my blue ribbon proudly for as long as I can.

The Other Shoe May Never Drop

Sometimes I forget to focus on my many blessings, and instead hone in on whatever has me irritated or upset. I think there are a lot of people who do this, so I'm not going to beat myself up for it. I do admit that I need to tip the focus scales a little more on the side of blessings. I am healthy. My family is healthy. I have three amazing kids. I have wonderful friends. I have a home and my husband has a secure job. Why, though, when I think about these things, do I occasionally feel a hesitation, and why does the expression about "waiting for the other shoe to drop" come to mind? Is there a limit to the blessings one can claim before some unforeseen tragedy strikes close to home, or even at home? I see people that I know dealing with serious traumas and terminal illnesses, and I wonder how they cope, how they continue to see the blessings in their lives in the face of an awful hand that's been dealt to them. Would I be able to do that? Would I be strong or fall apart or spiral into depression? I feel like I'm rambling a bit, but there's a lot going on in my head. I want to remember each day, all day, what I am grateful for. I don't want to worry or lose sleep over what could happen.