Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Stirring Stuff Up...

I've been away from this for about a week, partly because I've been busy and partly because I've had trouble organizing my thoughts. Usually, writing from my heart and my mind comes easily for me. Recent events (namely reconnecting with people from my past) have driven me to reflect on my "lost years". I know we don't get do-overs in life, and that hindsight makes everything look so much clearer. But I can't help but wonder about what my life would have been like if I hadn't gotten sick; if I hadn't spent years avoiding life, friends, anyone and everyone who loved me. I can't help but wish that I hadn't wasted so many years and relationships. That being said, I am grateful for those who welcomed me "back" with open arms and hearts as I went through the recovery process.

So, for what reason did I have to go through what I did? I suppose it made me stronger. It definitely led me to where I am today, and if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have my amazing kids. I have to believe that I was meant to be their mom, destined to be their mom.

What keeps reeling through my mind is that I wish I could have avoided that misery. I wish I could have been comfortable in my own skin and accepted myself as I was. I wish I could have seen myself the way others must have seen me, at least the ones who mattered. I wish I could have simply enjoyed LIFE!


  1. While we can't turn back time, or get back "lost time," I don't necessarily agree that there are no do-overs? They may be in a different place and time, but you always have the chance to change your perspective. The reconnection you have made with friends and loved ones ARE your do-over.

    Comfortable in your own skin- do you know anyone who truly is? To this day, I know I am not. I am comfortable being a mom, I am comfortable being a friend, I am comfortable being a worker. But the bottom line is I am always insecure when it comes to being me.

    Everyone goes down paths that, in hindsight, may not have been the best paths to go down. The upside is there are always forks in the road- and we can choose to veer onto a new path. You have veered- so looking back shouldn't allow you to view the old path- it should only allow you to see the new road you are on. And that is a good thing.

    I don't know if anyone will ever know why the bad things that happen in our lives happen. But you are right to view the outcome as a growth experience that shapes who you are. So don't question anymore. Just stay the course. Revel in your children. Love who you are now as the rest of us do. And keep your "do-over" going.

    It's never too late to simply enjoy life. You may need your daily lists to keep you organized, but ALWAYS remember that there may be some days where playing supercedes laundry...

    How I see you: an amazing woman. Don't ever forget it.


  2. Though I did not know you in your "lost years", I know who you are now and I believe those years were meant to give you the strength of character you now possess. I could not tell you what happened in my life from the ages of 14-17 as I, too, was "lost" in my own way.

    Though I sometimes used to wish I could have those years back, I know now that they were part of my growing and learning process. I know that those years gave me the ability to see things in a different, more focused, light. I am grateful to have had such an incredible learning experience at such a young age.

    You are a wonderful, loving mother to three amazing children, but you are so much more than that! Yesterday is history...and yes, tomorrow will still be a mystery no matter how much you plan! Today is the is the present!

    We love you as you are!