I've been away from this for about a week, partly because I've been busy and partly because I've had trouble organizing my thoughts. Usually, writing from my heart and my mind comes easily for me. Recent events (namely reconnecting with people from my past) have driven me to reflect on my "lost years". I know we don't get do-overs in life, and that hindsight makes everything look so much clearer. But I can't help but wonder about what my life would have been like if I hadn't gotten sick; if I hadn't spent years avoiding life, friends, anyone and everyone who loved me. I can't help but wish that I hadn't wasted so many years and relationships. That being said, I am grateful for those who welcomed me "back" with open arms and hearts as I went through the recovery process.
So, for what reason did I have to go through what I did? I suppose it made me stronger. It definitely led me to where I am today, and if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have my amazing kids. I have to believe that I was meant to be their mom, destined to be their mom.
What keeps reeling through my mind is that I wish I could have avoided that misery. I wish I could have been comfortable in my own skin and accepted myself as I was. I wish I could have seen myself the way others must have seen me, at least the ones who mattered. I wish I could have simply enjoyed LIFE!