Moms and "Me" Time

Sometimes, when I do things by myself, even if it's just going to the market, I find myself feeling like I have to rush to get home to the kids. My husband is certainly capable of caring for three kids and entertaining them. Still, whenever I say I have to go to the store, he'll ask, "Which one are you taking?" If I do go alone, I speed through Target and Trader Joe's, a woman on a mission. I'm tired of feeling stressed out when I leave the kids behind; it should actually be relaxing. It's not like it happens often; I usually have two or three in tow when I shop. And, who says shopping for necessities is fun, anyway? I'd rather not have to shop, however, if I don't, it won't get done. But I digress...

Recently, I decided that I would get out to walk all by myself, as often as I can. At first, I would ask for the time, but now I am insistent. I've always exercised, but mostly with a stroller in front of me. Right away, I felt the benefits of the combination of exercise and "me" time. I can listen to any music I want. (Absolutely no Backyardigans or Wiggles.) I can go in whatever direction I want. I can walk as fast as I want. I don't have to talk to anyone or mediate any arguments. I get back home feeling better than when I left.

As a stay-at-home mom, I bear the lion's share of the childcare responsibility, and I gladly accept it. But I'm not just "Mom", although it's sometimes easy to forget that. So, I wonder why it's hard for mom's to ask for the time alone that they need. I know I'm not the only one.

Stirring Stuff Up...

I've been away from this for about a week, partly because I've been busy and partly because I've had trouble organizing my thoughts. Usually, writing from my heart and my mind comes easily for me. Recent events (namely reconnecting with people from my past) have driven me to reflect on my "lost years". I know we don't get do-overs in life, and that hindsight makes everything look so much clearer. But I can't help but wonder about what my life would have been like if I hadn't gotten sick; if I hadn't spent years avoiding life, friends, anyone and everyone who loved me. I can't help but wish that I hadn't wasted so many years and relationships. That being said, I am grateful for those who welcomed me "back" with open arms and hearts as I went through the recovery process.

So, for what reason did I have to go through what I did? I suppose it made me stronger. It definitely led me to where I am today, and if I wasn't here, I wouldn't have my amazing kids. I have to believe that I was meant to be their mom, destined to be their mom.

What keeps reeling through my mind is that I wish I could have avoided that misery. I wish I could have been comfortable in my own skin and accepted myself as I was. I wish I could have seen myself the way others must have seen me, at least the ones who mattered. I wish I could have simply enjoyed LIFE!

No Fear

Keira can walk across the high balance beam at gymnastics unassisted. In fact, she demands that she be allowed to do it herself. At 2-1/2 she has become a regular little daredevil. She doesn't even look down at her feet at she places one in front of the other. At the end of the beam she pauses, looks around to see who is watching her, and then takes flight onto the padding below. Does she find it so easy to balance because she she doesn't know to be afraid? Also, because she knows I am near and believes I will catch her if she should fall? Those things are enough to make me afraid for her, but I have to step back and let her stretch her wings. I want her to be able to try new things without fear. The biggest challenge will be to help her learn to recognize when she needs to exercise some caution.

S L E E P

It's 4:33 AM. What's on my mind is sleep, and my lack of it.

S: slumber
L: lie down
E: exhausted
E: extremely fatigued
P: pretty sure I'm not going to get to take a nap today

I learned what lettuce seeds look like when I planted seeds with Ryan's class. They are tiny!

She's Not a Baby Anymore

I took Keira to her first "Mommy and Me" class today. She was a little clingy, which actually surprised me, since she's so independent most of the time. While I watched her play and sing and eat her snack, I couldn't help but realize how much she is growing up. It's a little hard to let go of my "baby". At least she still lets me hold her and cuddle with her. Nothing is sweeter than watching her little face as she falls asleep.

Today I learned that our hamster hides a lot of food in its bedding. Not earth-shattering, but interesting.

Lists

Sometimes my husband teases me about the daily to-do list that I keep on the white board in our kitchen. For example, "Laundry is on the list every day; why do you bother to erase it?" My answer for that is that I like to erase the things I get done so I can feel like I accomplished something. He teases me when I have already started a long list for the next day. But he never has to plan ahead like I do. He is content to live from day to day and let me focus on what has to get done in the next week or so. Keeping a list also helps remind me to make time for things that aren't a "ususal" task, like when I have an editing job that I need to complete. If I don't insist on some time to focus on a job, no one is going to just offer it to me. Finally, one reason I keep a list is that a small (very small) part of me secretly hopes that someone will read my list and take the initiative to complete one or two of the chores with out having to be asked (or nagged).



I've learned that kids should NEVER play with Moon Sand in the house. Enough said. Happy Easter!

Middle Child

I am the oldest of four kids, and the only girl in the bunch. I am blessed to be the mom of three energetic kids; the older two are boys and the "baby" is a girl. As my firstborn, Ryan, gets older, I am realizing more how I am able to empathize with him because of his position in the family. We've talked about things that are great about being the oldest, like sometimes going to bed later, getting invited to birthday parties of kids from school, and going to Disneyland first. On the flip side, we've also discussed the not-so-great aspects, such as being at school when the younger two get to go to the park and being the only one who has to rush to get ready for school in the first place.

I'll never be able to put myself in the birth order "shoes" of the younger kids. How will this fact affect my parenting? I've come to realize recently that my middle child, Luke, is becoming more verbal and noticeably louder. I'm wondering if this is his way of making sure that he is heard. It seems like he feels a need to talk over his siblings. My daughter, Keira, has been demanding and loud since she began speaking, it seems. Then again, she has two older brothers to compete with. Personality has a lot to do with it, too. Keira is not timid or shy; she lets anyone know what she wants. Maybe Luke is just learning to be more assertive, which is good, because the last thing I want for him is to be walked on.

Oh, and today I learned that I like Internet Explorer 7 better than 8 and there IS a correct way to boil eggs: http://whatscookingamerica.net/Eggs/BoiledEggs.htm